When Summer Doesn't Feel the Same After Loss

When I think about summers growing up, I think about family vacations, swimming, sleeping in, and staying up way too late with my sister and our neighborhood friends. I remember being tan from spending so much time outside, having nowhere in particular to be, and feeling like we had all the time in the world. There was something wonderful about having so few responsibilities and so much freedom to imagine what life might look like someday. We didn't know how lucky we were to have that kind of time, or how quickly it would pass.

One of my favorite memories is trying to camp outside with my sister. I say trying because she had some pretty specific requirements for sleeping outdoors. We'd drag out an air mattress, an air filter, and whatever else she decided was essential to the experience. By the time we got everything set up, it was practically a second bedroom. And then, inevitably, she'd decide she'd had enough, and we'd haul the whole production back inside. I still laugh thinking about it. I also wish I could do it all over again.

Why Summer Can Bring Back Feelings of Grief

Summer has always reminded me of childhood, and I think that's part of why it can sting so much now. There's something about being in my hometown on a summer evening that takes me right back to those years. For a moment, I can almost feel what it was like to be young, with so much life ahead of us and no real understanding of what was coming. Then I'm reminded that I'm getting older, and that I'm doing it without my sister. I never imagined that would be part of my life.

I miss those summers, but I also miss who we were back then. I miss the time before some of life's biggest challenges came along, when things felt simpler and the people I loved seemed like they'd always be there. I miss my sister as she was during those years, vibrant and steady, and I miss being young enough to take all of that for granted. It's strange how a familiar street or a warm evening can make you feel so close to a time that's long gone.

These days, I try to make summer feel carefree and fun for my own kids. I want them to have some of that same freedom I remember, the late nights, the swimming, the days when there's nothing terribly important on the schedule. And I've found that making summer special for them makes it more enjoyable for me, too. It doesn't stop me from missing the past, but it gives me something in the present that I genuinely look forward to.

The Pressure to Enjoy Summer While Grieving

That said, I think the idea that summer is supposed to be this wonderfully relaxing, carefree season is a bit rubbish. Especially for parents. School ends, but work and responsibilities don't, so suddenly you're figuring out childcare, keeping everyone entertained, and trying to make sure your kids have a memorable summer without completely exhausting yourself in the process. Summer can be one of the hardest seasons disguised as the most fun.

Grief can make that pressure feel even heavier. The days are longer, there's more to do, and it seems like everyone's planning vacations, hosting get-togethers, or making plans every weekend. There's this expectation that we should be getting out and enjoying ourselves because the weather is nice and the days are long. But sometimes you just don't feel up to it. Sometimes the places and people you associate with summer bring up memories you'd rather not revisit that day.

Giving Yourself Permission to Experience Summer Differently

I think it's important to remember that you don't owe anyone a fun summer. You can turn down invitations, skip the trip, or spend a perfectly beautiful afternoon inside if that's what you feel like doing. Sit on your porch and enjoy the sunshine without making an entire outing of it. Take a nap in the middle of the day. Give yourself a break from feeling like you need to make the most of every minute.

And if summer used to be your favorite season but doesn't feel that way anymore, that's okay. Maybe fall feels better these days, or maybe winter gives you the quiet you need. You don't have to force yourself to love something simply because you always have. Losing someone changes so many things about our lives, and sometimes the way we feel about a particular time of year is one of them.

I still love summer, even though it brings up memories that are sometimes hard to sit with. I love watching my kids enjoy the things I enjoyed growing up, and I love remembering the ridiculous things my sister and I did together. I just wish she were here to remember them with me. I wish we were still making new ones.

Maybe that's what I miss most about those summers. We had no idea how much we'd someday wish we could go back, even for just one ordinary afternoon.