How to Navigate Holiday Gatherings When You’re Missing Someone
Holidays have a way of pulling childhood to the surface. The lights, the music, the familiar routines — they stir memories we didn’t realize were tucked so closely under our skin. And when someone we love is no longer here, those moments can land differently. Joy still comes, but it arrives wrapped in something softer, something tender.
When my sister passed, Christmas changed. I still love watching my daughters open their gifts and promise to share their favorite treasures with each other — that part brings me genuine joy. But in the background, there’s always a quiet ache… a longing for those carefree childhood mornings she and I once shared. Grief doesn’t take the holidays off. It simply becomes another guest in the room.
If you’re moving through a holiday gathering while missing someone deeply, here are gentle ways to make space for your heart, honor their memory, and still feel connected to the season.
Let Their Memory Have a Place at the Table
One of the hardest parts of holiday gatherings is the silence that can settle around your loved one’s name. People often avoid mentioning them out of fear of upsetting you — not realizing the silence hurts far more than remembrance ever could.
Speaking their name is a gift.
A small acknowledgement.
A reminder they lived, they mattered, they’re still woven into the fabric of your family’s story.
In my family, my dad spends time at my sister’s memorial every Christmas morning, and I take a quiet moment to carry her with me into the day. These gestures aren’t heavy; they’re grounding. They remind us that love doesn’t disappear — it simply shifts.
If it feels right, gently invite others to say their name or share a memory. People often just need permission.
Expect Emotional Whiplash — It’s Normal
You might laugh one minute and swallow tears the next. You might feel fully present, then suddenly pulled into a memory. This rhythm doesn’t mean you’re “doing the holidays wrong.” It simply means you’re human and you love deeply.
Grief during gatherings often appears in unexpected ways:
a song playing quietly in the background
the way someone tears wrapping paper
seeing siblings or cousins together
remembering traditions that once felt effortless and shared
For me, I often miss the simple act of wrapping presents with my sister — the way she layered bows and curled ribbons with such care, while I rushed through my own stack with a very different level of enthusiasm. It’s a small memory, but it’s one that shows up every year.
These flash-moments of longing don’t ruin the holiday. They’re reminders of the love that made the season meaningful in the first place.
Create a Grounding Ritual for Yourself
Holiday gatherings can be loud, crowded, and full of emotion you don’t always have words for. Having a grounding ritual can help you stay centered when you feel overwhelmed.
Yours might look like:
stepping outside for a breath of cold air
taking a few minutes alone in a quiet room
holding onto a small keepsake
placing your hand on your heart and breathing slowly
listening to one meaningful song
For me, that breath of cold, fresh air works every time — far more than reaching for a drink or pushing through discomfort. It’s a moment to reset, reconnect, and remember why I’m there.
Give yourself permission to take breaks. You’re not stepping away from the holiday; you’re stepping toward your own emotional safety.
Allow Joy When It Comes
Missing someone doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to enjoy the gathering.
Joy doesn’t betray your grief.
Laughter doesn’t replace your love.
Both can exist — and often do.
Watching my daughters share their gifts with each other brings a kind of joy that feels both new and familiar. It reminds me of my own childhood Christmases with my sister, and while that memory carries a thread of longing, it also holds warmth.
Let yourself absorb the moments that feel good. They’re not a rejection of who you’ve lost. They’re a continuation of the love they gave you.
Leave Room for Meaningful Conversation
Sometimes the most healing moment of a holiday gathering is the simplest one:
a shared story, a name spoken aloud, a memory that makes everyone smile.
If you feel comfortable, you can gently guide those moments by saying:
“She would’ve loved this.”
“This reminds me of her.”
“Do you remember the year she…?”
People often follow your lead. They want to get it right — they just don’t always know how.
The truth is, remembering your loved one in a positive light is one of the most powerful gifts you can offer everyone who misses them too.
Know That You’re Not Alone in the Room
Even in a house full of people, grief can make you feel strangely separate — as if you’re attending two gatherings at once: the one happening around you, and the one happening inside you.
But you’re not the only one carrying memories.
Others may be quiet about their grief.
Others may not know how to share.
Others may fear making the day harder by mentioning the person you’re all missing.
Sometimes remembering together becomes the bridge everyone needed.
Closing: Let Their Love Move Through the Day With You
Holiday gatherings after loss aren’t about pretending your heart is untouched. They’re about finding gentle ways to carry both the love you still feel and the longing that naturally follows.
If you take nothing else from this, let it be this:
Say their name. Invite their memory. Let their presence live in the stories and moments that made them who they were.
That’s how we keep them close — not through silence, but through remembrance spoken softly into the spaces where love still settles.